Thursday, February 2, 2012
A win win game
i know, i am supposed to be like this, and i wished i were able to think like this;
"Allah is sufficient for us and most excellent is the protector" [3:173]
i woke up this morning regretting what i had done yesterday. i lost my consciousness for a while and i took one step back into my past. i don't even know what's the reason i was doing that for. i spent hours on crying and flash-backing all the old memories.
after battling for such a long time with your own self, there comes a time when you'll collapse and you're craving for human support. and of course u know Allah is always there for you, supporting you all the time. yet, as a normal human with a fragile heart, you are unable to control yourself, especially your desire.
for me, it is like a game, and i wanna make it a win win game, where all the participants can profit from it. a battle between desire, ego, and iman. supposed to be the superior priority must be on iman, and i should let it be the greatest winner but i was unable to put desire aside. once a while my desire is leading the game, and it is not a win win anymore since ego is totally wrecked even iman is being pretty tolerable. and i know it is not the way they supposed to be.
i have to put an extra strength into iman in order to make it the leader of the game. of course, i have to be realistic of my own self, as a human i can't really abandon my desire - for sure in this case, a desire for a partner of my life. but still, thanks to my ego, everything is still a lil bit in control. however, i have to admit the fact that as a woman, emotional has being a part of me.
there's still a loooong way to go. i pray to God all the time, asking Him for His guidance, His bless, His love, to cure the scars, to take away the pain, and to give me the strength to love Him more than i could ever do.