Saturday, February 4, 2012

i can do it! yes, i can!

such a day huh.

i did it again even i promised to myself that i would never ever return to my past. such a fragile heart huh. woman.

regret? even if i say i'm regretting it, what would i get? honestly, 45% of regret, 55% 'un-regret'. broken english, again. regret because i was letting my ego and my iman down, 'un-regret' because i did try. yep, i knew i shouldn't have done that thing but i was unable to control myself and ended up i turned myself in.

and he said i throw him like rubbish..?

how could he be so much emotional like that even though he's the trigger for all of this hectic situation? i knew i was pretty mean towards him before but didn't he know that i am ME? that's the way i have been living all this time, that's the way he's been living with me for four years (plus plus). just because he's having someone else by his side right now, he started to judging me?

i still can't believe he's leaving me for another girl.huh. in fact, for the type of girl that i hate the most on earth. i hate myself for being such a hater.

i will live my life well too. with Allah's bless, insyaAllah i will find someone better. i can do it! why should i let myself stuck in depression while he's not? why should i suffer while he's not? why should i waste my study time right now just to think about something which cannot be solved anymore? why why and why?
because i'm a woman. and i'm emotional. and i'm hot-tempered.

yes, the hot-tempered me will never ever do the thing i did today, and yesterday. i promise. and i will never let go that promise (eceh, titanic sket)

tiramisu halal.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A win win game

i know, i am supposed to be like this, and i wished i were able to think like this;

"Allah is sufficient for us and most excellent is the protector" [3:173]

i woke up this morning regretting what i had done yesterday. i lost my consciousness for a while and i took one step back into my past. i don't even know what's the reason i was doing that for. i spent hours on crying and flash-backing all the old memories.

after battling for such a long time with your own self, there comes a time when you'll collapse and you're craving for human support. and of course u know Allah is always there for you, supporting you all the time. yet, as a normal human with a fragile heart, you are unable to control yourself, especially your desire.

for me, it is like a game, and i wanna make it a win win game, where all the participants can profit from it. a battle between desire, ego, and iman. supposed to be the superior priority must be on iman, and i should let it be the greatest winner but i was unable to put desire aside. once a while my desire is leading the game, and it is not a win win anymore since ego is totally wrecked even iman is being pretty tolerable. and i know it is not the way they supposed to be.

i have to put an extra strength into iman in order to make it the leader of the game. of course, i have to be realistic of my own self, as a human i can't really abandon my desire - for sure in this case, a desire for a partner of my life. but still, thanks to my ego, everything is still a lil bit in control. however, i have to admit the fact that as a woman, emotional has being a part of me.

there's still a loooong way to go. i pray to God all the time, asking Him for His guidance, His bless, His love, to cure the scars, to take away the pain, and to give me the strength to love Him more than i could ever do.  

tiramisu halal.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A to B or B to A?


alhamdulillah, thanks to those who had spent some times reading my blog, really appreciate that. and also, thanks to the followers too, for the support of course. i tried to follow ye'all back but seems like my google id has something wrong somewhere, and it can't be detected.. but insyaAllah, i will try to do it later :))

anyway, exam weeks here! i got three papers to go, i know they are too less compared to others especially my juniors, but heyy come on, i am a third year student! of course, i also had been through those times where there were like 10 papers lining up in a week during my first year and second year, but now it is time for me to rest a lil bit and preparing myself well for the final year, insyaAllah.

even so, less papers require higher determination i guess. because of there are tooo much time for me to study, i am like mingling around doing nothing, facebooking all the time (twittering also of course), and phewww it's hard to spend some times for study! lack of motivation...huh.

"change is never easy. you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go"

have you ever heard this statement? i got it from farah lee's blog. i guess there is no one who's never heard of farah lee. actually, i am one of her fans (don't want to admit this at first but i know i didn't lose anything for doing that). i'm not gonna say anything about her here, but i just want to re-use her statement as mine, i think she wouldn't mind, kot.

definitely change is never easy, i admit that. forgetting the things we were used to before, and replacing them with the newer and the better one is not that simple.

looking back at my past, i used to be a different person during my high school. my timetable pack with usrah and programs for junior students. i used to be that type of skema-annoying girl till at one point i wished i were not ME. as i was one of those who held big responsibility in school, i have to show my best to other students especially the juniors. i believed that as a leader, i need to be a good example to others, in every aspect of life - personality, exam's results, human relationship, etc etc.

i once used to wear those labuh-sampai-ke-lutut kind of hijab. during that time, i knew i were taking a big step in my life since i couldn't possibly on off on off wearing those type of hijab. and i knew, as my hijab's got longer, my responsibility is getting bigger. people will look at me and they will tend to judge my acts according to my hijab's size. but i was prepared for that. i determined to improve myself, insyaAllah for Allah sake.

it was not as easy as i'd been imagined. to wear those kind of hijab i had to adjust my manner as well. i can't talk or hang out with the boys freely anymore - in order not to hurt the pride of my hijab's size. i can't laugh loudly as i used to be before, and many more changes which i need to pay attention to. i had to suppressed everything down till i forgot for whom did i were doing those changes.

but during that time, i have my friends with me. the comrades who were walking together towards Al-Khaliq. whenever i was lost, they were there to show me right, when i was drowned, they were there to pull me up. they had been my strength, really. truthfully, this is one of the best time yet the most challenging period in my life.

however, everything changed within a blink. i spent few years for building my soul and my iman, but it took me just few days for ruining them. oh, i think there is a need to rephrase, change is never easy if it is from B to A, but change is very easy if it is from A to B. agree?

get much more to go, but i'll stop here for now, will continue writing some time soon!

tiramisu halal.